After having my second daughter, I found myself in the deepest and darkest valley of my life - not so much a postpartum valley, but more of a “finally sitting in a silence that would no longer let me ignore the difficulties and traumas of life” kind of valley. I had kept myself so busy doing all the things that I had unintentionally neglected to process A LOT. I worked 60-70+ hour weeks, played basketball or worked out at least once every day, and enjoyed nights out with friends 1-2 times per week. When my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, I went back to work three days later. After I had a miscarriage, I went back to work the next day. Following a freak accident that involved a tree falling on me, I spent a few days at home on Morphine, and then - you guessed it, straight back to work. This cycle of brushing things off and forging ahead without allowing myself time to process traumatic experiences became normal for me. I stayed so busy with work, and working out, that I failed to honor my mind’s need to process, my body’s need to rest, and my spirit’s need to grieve. I loved to cook, but was mostly eating pre-packaged foods whose negative impact on my health was unseen due to my obsessive calorie counting and gym time.

While I seemed perfectly functional and happy in my busy life, this lingering unaddressed emotional pain, and unhealthy relationship with food and exercise, left me an absolute mess once I slowed down. I would sob uncontrollably, scream so loudly that my ears would ring while I was alone in my car, and I experienced daily feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. On top of that emotional weight, my physical body felt heavy and sluggish as well. The weight wasn’t coming off as easily after my second baby, and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. This season coincided with times of great peace and joy, but the valleys often felt insurmountable - like I was trying to climb out barefoot, up a muddy incline, in the middle of a downpour….but GOD.

I was walking through our house, holding my sweet baby that I didn’t feel like I deserved, and the Zach William’s song Chain Breaker came on. It found me right where I was and it wrecked me. I found myself on the floor in full realization that I couldn’t make it out of this on my own. I opted out of spinning my wheels where I was, and
I chose surrender - surrender for my fears, my marriage, my health, and my life. I learned that there is always beauty in the darkness, peace in the surrender, and glory in the suffering. I frequently anchored my thoughts on 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 in this season. I discovered that every choice I made for my health - physical, spiritual, emotional, mental - could be much easier when I simply asked myself if the decision honored my values and honored God. This realization radically transformed my health
in every way, and has been pivotal in my ability to have the energy to serve my family and community from a place of JOY. My relationship with food and exercise shifted dramatically. I no longer obsessed over clothing sizes or calories, and I found new enjoyment in how I cooked, ate, and moved my body. Every meal and activity became an opportunity to honor God, and provided me with the energy to show up as the mom and wife I wanted to be.

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